How can I help my child if they are bullying?

Raising the subject with a child that you know or suspect to be bullying

Whilst there are no excuses for bullying behaviour, there are genuine reasons why a young person may be bullying and you should be open to these and not simply dismiss them. Bullying behaviour can be motivated by a number of things including frustration as a result of being bullied oneself; frustration with the behaviour of the victim of the bullying; and seeing others – particularly adults – use bullying behaviour to get what they want. It is important to explore the reasons behind the bullying with the young person and help them to find better ways of expressing frustration/anger, negotiating what they want to achieve, etc. If you punish the behaviour without attempting to sort out what is behind it, it will make the problem worse.

Most parents and carers find out that their child is bullying through being called in to talk to their teachers. It is often very difficult to accept that your child could do such a thing. Your instant reaction may well be that he/she would never behave like that and has been wrongly accused. It is true that sometimes children and young people are accused of bullying behaviour as a result of a misunderstanding. However, it is also true that almost all of us are guilty of bullying behaviour at some point in our lives, and that unless steps are taken to help us change that behaviour it can become a real problem. So it’s a good idea to start by believing that your child may be bullying and try to find out why that might be and help them to stop.

• Find a quiet place where you won't be interrupted to speak to the child.
• Tell them that you think or know (depending on which is the case) that they are bullying, that this is unacceptable behaviour, that they will have to change it and that you will help them and support them.
• Ask them why they are behaving in this way and show them that you really want to know by listening to them.
• Let them know that your school is committed to providing and helping them access services from partner agencies to help them change their behaviour. Negotiate a plan of action to achieve this with the pupil. The plan should be appropriate to their individual case and in line with your school’s procedures and guidelines for good practice.
• Be prepared to listen without judging, and be sensitive to the needs and fears of your child. Be aware that he/she may be afraid of your anger at finding out about the bullying. Also be aware that he/she may be used to your not challenging such behaviour and always backing him/her up. You may need to slightly change the way that you behave towards your child in order to help him/her change his/her behaviour.
• Try not to label the child “a bully” and make sure that you condemn their behaviour without condemning them. This is not in any way to suggest that you excuse the bullying, but if you label a child ‘bad’ rather than his/her behaviour it will make it harder for him/her to take responsibility for that behaviour and choose differently next time: “You said I was bad so I can’t help it”.
• Help your child find and put into practice alternative behaviours in situations where they bully. If it was your child’s school/PRU that originally told you that your child was bullying, ask them for help and advice on how to do this. They should be helping your child in this area, anyway.

Children and young people who bully are often quite unhappy or insecure. As a parent or carer, you are in a very good position to try to build up your child’s self-esteem and find out what, if anything, may be troubling them and making them angry and upset. It is very important that you show your child that you are interested in sorting out why they feel the need to bully rather than just punishing the bullying itself. If you become concerned that your child may be being abused by an adult as a result of talking to him or her about his/her bullying behaviour, you should contact the NSPCC’s Child Protection Helpline on 0808 800 5000 (it is free to call and lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week). If you think that your child may be being abused but they don’t actually tell you that you are, ask them again what is upsetting them and reassure them that you will help them, no matter what the problem is and that you care for them and nothing that they say will change that.  If you are caring for the child as a result of existing child protection concerns, report any worries that you have to the child’s social worker.

If your child is accused of bullying another child at his/her school, PRU or youth group or on the street, you may be confronted by that child’s parent, carer or other relative. If this happens, suggest that you deal with the problem through the school, PRU or youth club.

If there is no obvious organisation to act as a mediator, you may choose to sit down and discuss it calmly together if you feel this is possible. Beatbullying would advise against this course of action, because bullying is a difficult subject and people may well become angry and aggressive. If you do choose to talk to the other child’s parent or carer, try to ensure that you have the conversation in a public place such as a café.

It is a better idea to say that you will raise the subject with your child and do everything possible to deal with the problem. If the other parent/carer is not satisfied by this and becomes aggressive or abusive, stop talking to them immediately. If you become seriously concerned for your own or your child’s safety as a result of anything the other child’s parent/carer said or did, you should notify the police. Nobody has the right to threaten you or your child, no matter what the provocation.

How can I help my child if they are being bullied?

What else can I do?