How can I help my child?

Raising the subject with a child that you know or suspect is being bullied

• Find a quiet place where you won't be interrupted to speak to the child.
• Tell them that you are worried about them and why you are worried, that you want to help them and that helping them to be safe and happy is the most important thing for you.
• Ask them if they are being bullied, and if they are to tell you about it.
• If they tell you that they are being bullied, remember that it is not an easy thing to talk about or admit to, so praise them for managing to do this. Let them know that many people are bullied, but that that doesn’t make it alright.
• Let them know that if they are being bullied they have a right to get help to stop it, and that you will help them yourself and support them in getting help from other organisations. Let them know that you will not go behind their back or do anything to get help without talking to them about it and having their agreement. It is important that you make this commitment and honour it.
• Be prepared to listen without judging, and be sensitive to the child’s needs and fears, e.g. worse bullying from the perpetrators if they discover that the child has “grassed them up”. Sometimes children who are being bullied may be afraid of your reaction as their parent or carer if they tell you about the bullying. They may feel that you will be ashamed of them or angry at them for “being weak”, that you will intervene personally with the child or children who are doing the bullying, or that you will tell them to stand up for themselves. Be aware of these fears when you talk to them and try to set them at rest. If you do feel exasperated or angry at them for feeling helpless, remember that this is the effect that being bullied has and that you will make things much worse for a child by expressing anger or frustration. Equally, if you take matters into your own hands and go off and deal with the bullying by yourself, you will make your child look and feel more helpless by taking away their power to make any decisions.
• Encourage and help the child to record and report any incident of bullying that they experience to you and a member of staff at school/PRU, youth club, etc., depending on where it’s happening and who’s doing the bullying. Even if your child is being bullied on the street by other kids from their own school/PRU/youth club, or another one in the area, it is a problem that that school/PRU/youth club needs to be made aware of. You should encourage your child to report it and support them in doing so. Insist that the organisation takes action to help stop the bullying, e.g. talking to those pupils involved, liaising with local transport workers and shopkeepers, lobbying for increased community policing in the area.
• Tell the child never to endanger himself or herself by standing up to bullies in a situation where he/she is outnumbered. If scared, they should run away and try to alert attention by shouting for help, banging dustbins, etc. Reassure him/her that it is far more shameful for a group of people to gang up on one person than for that one person to decide to get out of the situation.
• Be prepared to help your child to make a safety plan to help minimise the risk of being physically assaulted by planning safe routes from home to school, etc. If they are being targeted by bullies at home or in your neighbourhood, help them make a safety plan to contact police and get help or get out of the house in an emergency (see Safety Plans).

N.B. Beatbullying would never advocate making a safety plan as an alternative to reporting bullying and insisting that action is taken, but it can help to make things better for a child in the short term. A safety plan is one of the tools for helping children who are being bullied but it is not enough on its own.

If your child tells you who it is that is bullying them, you may be tempted to go and talk to this person or people directly or to speak to their parents/carers. This is a very bad idea. Firstly, this will usually make things worse for your child and give the people doing the bullying more to humiliate him/her with: “You can’t stick up for yourself, you have to get your mum/dad to do it for you”, etc.

Secondly, if you approach another child or young person and accuse him/her of bullying you may lay yourself open to accusations of threatening behaviour and if you confront his/her parent/carer directly, both you and they may get very angry and end up in a situation which just makes life more difficult for your child. Wherever possible, take action through the school, PRU, youth group, community safety team of your local police service, etc.

As we pointed out in the previous section, it is possible that a child who shows some of the physical, emotional and behavioural indicators that we have gone through is experiencing abuse at the hands of an adult or older child. If your child tells you that he/she is being abused during your conversation the first and most important thing you must do is to listen to them and believe them. For help and guidance or if you have concerns and are not sure how to act on them, contact the NSPCC’s Child Protection Helpline on 0808 800 5000 (it is free to call and lines are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week). If you become alarmed that your child may be being abused but they don’t actually tell you that you are, ask them again what is upsetting them and reassure them that you will help them no matter what the problem is and that you care for them and nothing that they say will change that.  If you are caring for the child as a result of existing child protection concerns, report any worries that you have to the child’s social worker.

How can I help my child if they are bullying?

What else can I do?